*C'est la vie*! *Life*!

Today is the D day! D as in : "Dancing: The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them!" The D in all ses états!  Enrich your vocabulary right nere, right now!

D & C: Where Washington is.

Daily Double: Work and slave.

Damitrol: Tranquilizer.

Damnation: Beaver country.

Dance: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.

Dancing: The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them.

Dandruff: Chips off the old block.

Dare: Not here.

Dark Corner: A place where men get bright ideas.

Dark Glasses: A device to make the obscure feel important.

Date: An organized meeting between two people who have yet to realize their dislike for each other.

Deadline: An arbitrary moment responsible for creating the fine line between a paycheque and a pink slip.

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Debt: 1. A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into; 2. The only thing that expands in proportion as it is contracted.

Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.

Debut: De part of the body you must park to be seated.

Debutante: 1. A bareback with greenbacks; 2. A young girl with bride ideas; 3. Girl who goes out a vision and comes in a sight; 4. One who comes out at eighteen and gets up at twelve; 5. One who lives a date-to-date existence; 6. A girl who’s in all day and out all night.

Decagon: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident.

Decay: 1. De letter which comes after de J; 2. The 11th letter of the alphabet.

Decency: Indecency’s conspiracy of silence.

Decline: Nudists in formation.

Deduce: de lowest card in de deck.

Deep-loma: For diving school graduates.

Defer: To remove cat fur from the sofa.

Deformation: A football formation.

Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window.

Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.

Delinquent Children: Those who have reached the age where they want to do what mama and papa are doing.

Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.

Demagogue: 1. A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots; 2. A man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody else that there is a terrible storm at sea.

Democracy: 1. A country where you can say what you think without thinking; 2. A form of religion – the worship of jackals by jackasses; 3. A land where you are free to choose your own form of government – blonde, brunette, or redhead; 4. A place where you can say what you please, but don’t have to listen unless you want to; 5. A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference; 6. A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is; 7. A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected; 8. That form of society, no matter what its political classification, in which every man has a chance and knows that he has it.

Denounce: Words that name things (cf de verbs, de adjectives).

Dental Parlour: A drawing room.

Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines; 2. A man who lives from hand to mouth; 3. A man who runs a filling station; 4 A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket; 5. One who tickles the ivories.
Dentist’s Oath: “The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

Department Store Detective: Counter spy.

Depression: 1. A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of; 2. A period in which you have no belt to tighten (Recession: A period in which you tighten your belt).

Depth: Height turned upside down.

Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.

Desertion: The poor man’s method of divorce.

Desire: The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.

Desk: Wastebasket with drawers.

Detest: De thing de teacher gives you at de time you are least ready.

Detour: 1. Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary; 2. The roughest distance between two points.

Devote: What politicians depend on.

Diamond: 1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the effects of the man proffering it; 2. A stepping stone in every girls’ life; 3. A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success; 4. Nothing harder except making the payments on one; 5. One of the hardest substances known to man – especially to get back.

Diamond Cutter: One who mows the grass at the ball park.

Diamonds: Chunks of coal that stuck to their job.

Diaper: Diaper: 1. A bum wrap; 2. A changeable seat cover.

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Diary: Penned-up emotion.

Dictator: One who thinks he can take it – no matter to whom it belongs.

Dictatorship: 1. A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately; 2. A system of government where everything that isn’t forbidden is obligatory.

Diet: 1. A short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds; 2. Something to take the starch out of you; 3. Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on; 4. A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.

Dieters: A word to the wides is sufficient.

Dieting: 1. The penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 2. The triumph of mind over platter.

Difficult: That which can be done immediately (Impossible: that which takes a little longer);

Dignity: 1. Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol; 2. The capacity to hold back on the tongue what never should have been on the mind in the first place.

Dilate: To live long.

Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.

Dilettante: A philanderer who seduces the several arts and deserts each in turn for another.

Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Diner: A chew-chew car.

Dining Room: The place where the family eats while painters are doing over the kitchen.

Dinosaur: 1. A colossal fossil; 2. How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.

DIOS: The one true operating system.

Diploma: 1. The guy who fixes the pipes; 2. A job-hunting license.

Diplomacy: 1. A peaceful substitute for shooting; 2. Cutting the other fellow’s throat without using a knife; 3. Lying in state; 4. The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away; 5. The art of handling a porcupine without disturbing the quills; 6. The art of laying down the law gently enough to keep it from being broken; 7. The art of letting someone else have your own way; 8. The art of saying “Nice doggie!” until you can find a rock; 9. The art of skating on thin ice without getting into deep water; 10. The art of turning a dropped stitch into a loophole; 11. A blend of protocol, alcohol, and Geritol; 12. The fine art of convincing one's wife that she looks fat wearing a mink coat; 13. The art of saying nothing nicely; 14. The art of saying something when you have nothing to say, or of saying nothing when you have something to say.

Diplomat: 1. A fellow who prefers ironing out his differences to flattening his opponent; 2. A gent who thinks twice before he says nothing; 3. A man who convinces his wife that a woman looks stout in a fur coat; 4. A man who has learned that you can’t bend a nail by hitting it squarely on the head; 5. A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age; 6. A man who tries to settle problems created by other diplomats; 7. A person who can be disarming even though his country isn’t; 8. A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue; 9. A person who can keep a civil tongue in his cheek; 10. A person who does not think it necessary to understand things in order to argue about them; 11. A person who says, “I will take the matter under advisement,” instead of “no.”; 12. If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that he has the advantage over you, without giving him the chance to take advantage of you; 13. One who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans; 14. 14. One who can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

Diplo-mutt: A politician's dog.

Director: The one who always faces the music.

Disc Jockey: 1. One who earns his living by putting on airs; 2. A guy who lives on spins and needles.

Discharged Record Spinner: A slipped disc jockey.

Disco: A din of iniquity.

Discount: Something often sold in place of goods.

Discouragement: Seeing the secretary yawn over one of your snappy salesmanship letters.

Discretion: 1. A comb that experience hands us after we have lost our hair; 2. A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good; 3. Closing your eyes to a situation before someone closes them for you; 4. When you are sure that you are right but still ask your wife.

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

Disguise: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.

Distance: That which lends enchantment to the view, but not when you run out of gas.

District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of America.

Divorce: 1. Going through a change of wife; 2. Hash made from domestic scraps; 3. What results when the bonds of matrimony no longer bear interest; A splitting headache; 4. Long division.

Divorcee: A woman who gets richer by decrees.

Doctor: 1. A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you; 2. A man who keeps telling children to eat more and parents to eat less; 3. A man who suffers from good health; 4. One who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow.

Doctor’s Prescription: Something written on a subway train with a post office pen.

Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.

Dog Pound: A used cur lot.

Doggerel: A little pooch.

Doghouse: Falling-out shelter.

Dogma: A canine parent.

Dogmatic: Run by canine power.

Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.

Do-it-yourself: Enthusiast; a varnishing Canadian.

Dollar: The jack of all trades.

Dollar Sign: An S that’s been double-crossed.

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt some place stupid.

Domestic Argument: One after which the husband either goes to his club or reaches for it.

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Donkey: Instrument to get you into the godfather's house.

Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dots: Symbols, which, in the modern novel, mean proceed at your own risqué.

Double-crosser: A man who acts like a skunk and hopes nobody will get wind of it.

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Draft Board: Where young men are weighed and found wanted.

Drama Critic: 1. A person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant; 2. A person who leaves no turn unstoned.

Dramatic Critic: One who gives the best jeers of his life to the theatre.

Dreamer: One who waits for something to turn up – whereas a doer turns up something while waiting.

Dreams: The fool ideas of the day before yesterday that have become the commonplace miracles of today.

Dressage: How old her dress is.

Drinking: 1. Act which does not drown your sorrows – only irrigates them; 2. Something which makes one lose his inhibitions and give exhibitions.

Drug Store: 1. A telephone with a business attached; 2. The poor man’s country club.

Drunkard: 1. A man who knows his capacity but gets drunk before he reaches it; 2. Human prune - the more he is soaked, the more he swells.

Duchy: A Dutch lady who marries a duke.

Dude Ranch: Where a guy who is rich enough to drive a Cadillac rides a horse.

Duel: Pistols for two; breakfast for one.

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Duty: 1. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire; 2. What one expects from others, not what one does oneself; 3. What the normal man looks forward to with distaste, does with reluctance, and boasts about forever after.

Dyspeptic: A man that can eat his cake and have it too.