Your new english dictionary!
This is your first english lesson!
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Ability: 1. A poor mans worth; 2. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Abstract Art: The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be.
Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.
Accident: 1. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road.
Accordion: 1. An instrument invented by the man who couldnt decide how big the one was that got away; 2. A stomach Steinway; 3. An instrument whose music is long drawn out.
Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.
Accrue: People who work on a ship.
Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.
Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.
Acquaintance: 1. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isnt well-to-do enough, or because he wont let us borrow from him; 3. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Acrimony: The holy state of being married.
Acrobat: The person who turns a flop into a success.
Actor: 1. A guy who, if you aint talking about him, he aint listening; 2. A man who tries to be everything but himself; 3. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A person who makes $500,000 a year some weeks.
Actors Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him.
Acupuncture: A jab well done.
Adage: To become older.
Adam: The first white slave.
Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.
Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.
Adamant: The very first insect.
Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of anothers resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence: 1. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday hell be as dubm as his father; 5 that period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8 when a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesnt understand how; 9. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. When children start bringing up their parents; 11. The age when a girls voice changes from no to yes.
Adolescent: A teenager who acts like a baby when you dont treat him like an adult.
Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them.
Adulatery: Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.
Adult: One who has stopped growing except in the mid-section.
Adversity: 1. The only diet that will reduce a fat head; 2. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then.
Advertising: 1. That which makes you think youve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. 15 percent commission and 85 percent confusion.
Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.
Advertising Executive: Yessir, nosir, ulcer.
Advice: 1. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. That which the wise dont need and fools wont take; 3. The one thing which it is more blessed to give than receive; 4. The worst vice; 5. You never know whether its good or not until you no longer need it.
After-Dinner Speaker: 1. A fellow who rises to the occasion and then stands too long; 2. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The guy who starts the bull rolling.
After-Dinner Speech: 1. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude.
Aftermath: The period following algebra.
Afternoon Snack: The pause that refleshes.
Age: That which makes wine worth more and women less.
Airplanes: One of those things thats of no earthly use.
Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat.
Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.
Alarm Clock: That which scares the daylight out of you.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Alas: Early Victorian for, Oh, Hell.
Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach.
Alcohol: 1. A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets; 2. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally by her escort.
Alibi: Slip cover.
Alimony: 1. A mans cash surrender value; 2. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. A one-man war debt; 4. A splitting headache; 5. Bounty on the mutiny; 6. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 mans best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. One more form of the guaranteed annual wage; 9. The high cost of leaving; 10. The high cost of loving; 11. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 12. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 13. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 14. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping; 15. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.
Allege: A high rock shelf.
Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each others pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.
Amateur Photographer: 1. A boys future; a mans past; 2. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. The last refuge of the failure; 4. What it takes to get where youll wish you hadnt bothered.
Ambition: Goaled rush.
Ambivalence: Two decides to every question.
American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape.
American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that wont hurt business.
Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.
Ancestral Pride: Going forward by backing up.
Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.
Ante Merediem: That's why he's my Uncle.
Antelope: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!
Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home raiding a good book.
Antidote: 1. The reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Medicine that kills dotes.
Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money.
Antique: 1. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Something too old to be anything but too expensive.
Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.
Apartment Building: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent.
Apathy: Vigor mortis.
Apology: 1. Egotism wrong side out; 2. Laying the foundation for a future offence; 3. Politeness too late; 4. The attempt to escape punishment for a mistake.
Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about $2,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache.
Appendix Girl: The kind that gets taken out.
Applause: The echo of a platitude.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
Archaeologist: 1. A science that proves you cant keep a good man down; 2. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. A man whose career lies in ruins.
Archaeology: A science that proves you cant keep a good man down.
Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.
Archery: A collection of arches.
Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.
Argument: Where two people are trying to get the last word in first.
Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.
Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder.
Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner.
Arson: 1. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. Our daughters brother.
Artery: Study of paintings.
Artichoke: 1. Strip tease with mayonnaise; 2. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.
Artificial insemination: Copulation without representation.
Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until its too old to spank.
Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.
Artists Model: A girl unsuited for her work.
Artistry: A coterie of artists.
Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.
Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor.
Aspersion: An Iranian donkey.
Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
Assistant: A fellow that cant get off.
Astronaut: A whirled traveller the only man who is glad to be down and out.
Atheist: 1. A man who doesnt care who wins the Super Bowl; 2. A man who has no invisible means of support; 3. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he cant see.
Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes.
Atlas: Finally.
Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
Auction: A place where, if you arent careful, youll get something for nodding.
Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
August: The month you cant open the bus window which you couldnt close in December.
Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under.
Author: 1. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A guy whos usually write.
Autobiography: 1. Fiction written by someone who knows the facts; 2. An I-witness account.
Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down.
Autobiography: A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory.
Automation: 1. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Mans effort to make work so easy that women can do it all.
Automobile: 1. A guided missile; 2. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead.
Avail: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.
Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.
Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ joe-ks.com
Average Husband: One who isnt as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward.
Average Man: 1. A person who doesnt want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. One who thinks he isnt; 3. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man.
Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
Awe: Wow of silence.
Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs.
Axiom: A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it.
